Frankly, I don’t know how my mother did it.
While I led an active homosexual life, she made it clear that she loved me unconditionally. Yet she never condoned my behavior. We often debated whether I could bring someone I was dating to a family holiday dinner. She never gave in, but never rejected me as her son, either.
The Church is clear in her teachings on the acts of homosexuality: “Under no circumstances can they be approved” (CCC, 2357). At the same time, the Catechism states that those struggling with homosexuality “must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination must be avoided (no. 2358).
Matters Hitting Close to Home
If your loved one wants to visit with their partner, what do you do? Do you allow them to visit? Do you visit them?
In Same Sex Attraction: A Parent’s Guide, Fr. John F. Harvey recommended allowing the family member or friend to visit alone. He also added that for holidays and other exceptional events, the parents can allow the family member’s partner to stay at the house as long as they are in separate bedrooms.
Each situation in this delicate matter is different. You might decide that it is important that you visit your child and the partner or to have them over for holidays. If you choose to do this you may want to first make it very clear that you do not condone any sexual activity outside of marriage (and hold this standard also for heterosexual couples). Also, allowing this may cause other problems, such as younger children asking who the partner is. I highly recommend that you discuss with a trustworthy, orthodox priest whatever it is you decide to do. If you are unsure of where to locate such a priest, contact Courage at (203) 803-1564.
Continue to arm yourself with the truth. Reading this article is a good start. Don’t stop here. Visit the Courage web site, read articles and books recommended in faithful Catholic publications, and learn as much as you can.
Does this mean that once you gather all the facts you should sit your loved one down and read them all of your notes and everything you have learned in one sitting? Absolutely not! You may desire to do so, because of your love and concern, but this will only cause walls to go up, harming your relationship. In addition, these walls will most likely prevent them from hearing anything you have to say.
If we arm ourselves with truth and then surrender ourselves to Christ, He will help us sow seeds of love and truth, telling us what seed to sow, when to sow, and how. Then we can let go and let Him do the rest. He will shower graces and shine His Son to help that seed grow.
Our Presence Needs to be Christ’s Presence
Everyone, especially people struggling with same-sex attraction, needs to see Jesus in us. We can surrender to Christ, love that individual, and step aside and allow Christ in us to touch that person’s heart. Remember, it’s the behavior you dislike and the person you love. When you are with that person, allow yourself to love them and enjoy them. The behavior might anger you, but this individual is loved by God and you. He or she needs to see this reality. It is very important to allow Christ to love and speak through you.
To love an individual unconditionally, yet not condone their sin is an impossible task. We are incapable of such an undertaking based on our own human limitations. We can’t do this no matter how hard we try. However, Christ can. Surrender this completely to Him, praying, “Lord, I can’t do this but You can. Give me the grace I need and speak through me.”
There are many gifts available to us through our Catholic faith that mediate graces we need to strengthen us. Frequently receive the sacrament of Reconciliation and the Holy Eucharist, attend a holy hour in front of the Blessed Sacrament, or pray the Rosary. It’s very important to take care of ourselves—including our spirituality.
We are called to love one another as Christ has loved us. He will give us everything we need to complete this impossible task if we are open to Him, seek Him out, and surrender to His will.
Whether your daughter, son, sibling, relative or friend, you must love the person struggling with same-sex attraction and yet not condone the sin of homosexual activity. So how do you do that?
Remember: All of us are children of God. If your loved one is in a relationship, remember that their partner is not the enemy and is loved by God, too. In Someone I Love Is Gay, authors Anita Worthen and Bob Davies remind us, “You might be the only view of Christianity this person ever sees. You can be an important influence on their eternal destiny.”
Don’t Panic. If your loved one tells you that he or she is “gay” or “lesbian”, you may experience a myriad of intense emotions, including anger and fear. You are entitled to all of them—and please don’t suppress them. However, it’s extremely important not to express them immediately to your loved one. Instead, be fully present and express your love to him or her. Then, when you are alone, allow yourself to feel your emotions and express them to God, your journal, a priest, a counselor, a trusted friend—and if your loved one is okay with this—your spouse (he or she might want to speak to them on their own). You need support. You can’t give what you don’t have. Make sure you take care of yourself.
Keep communication open, calm, and clear. As the late Fr. John Harvey addressed in his book Questions and Answers for Parents of Persons with Same-Sex Attractions, if you have discussions or debates later on, remain calm and do not yell, although your loved one might. State your points about the behavior and not about the person. Show your affection afterwards and remain open to discussion in the future. It’s okay to have healthy boundaries. There were several times when my mom told me that either we had to change the subject or we would have to end the conversation because she was getting angry and wanted to be able to think clearly and discuss it later.
Is Healing Possible?
Every time we change a channel, look at a billboard, or scan the news we are force fed pro-homosexual messages. So loud are these messages, the Church’s take might as well be silent. And for many individuals struggling with same sex attraction, the lack of support from within the Church has hurt and driven some back to an active life in the homosexual subculture.
Except for a few priests and the Courage apostolate, no one in the Catholic Church seems to be talking about same-sex attraction. As leaders in the Church remain silent on the topic, messages from the dissenting groups and the media are growing more deafening.
I believe there is much confusion— even among faithful Catholics—on this topic because we try to understand through a misunderstanding. Politics have invaded “science” and as a result we aren’t being presented the truth.
For example: in 1973 the American Psychological Association (APA) voted to remove homosexuality from the Diagnostic and Statistic Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) as a disorder. This decision was influenced largely by the lobbying of homosexual activist groups. As Dr. Jeffrey Satinover, author of Homosexuality and the Politics of Truth, and others have noted, this was “driven by politics and not science.” In order for there to be clarity, we need to look at this topic not through the eyes of our culture but instead through the eyes of our faith.
The idea of homosexuality being a “type of person” or identity is very new. There is no proof that homosexuality is hereditary or in one’s make up at birth. Our culture claims there are no other choices except to embrace this identity. We are told that attempts to change are harmful and dangerous because they can cause depression and suicidal behaviors.
But we don’t hear about the men and women who, because they embrace this identity, suffer from depression or suicidal thoughts. I know many of these individuals, and I was one of them. I tried very hard to live my life as a Christian “gay” man. I read gay theology books and attended gay/lesbian churches. No matter what I did, my heart was not at peace. In addition, I sank into deep bouts of depression, struggled with thoughts of not wanting to live, and engaged in substance abuse.
By God’s grace, I now live a chaste life and have for many years. Of course, I still have problems in life as everyone does, but I have a profound peace in my heart from accepting the fact that my identity is that of a Catholic man. Obtaining God’s healing was not harmful—it saved my life. Staying within the gay subculture was killing me spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Now, I don’t go through the deep dark, hopeless bouts of depression, and I am very glad to be alive.
Despite what society tells us, change is possible. Yes, I know many who have turned from homosexuality and are now married and living fulfilling lives. But change and healing go beyond living a heterosexual life. Authentic healing can include eliminating from one’s life pornography, substance abuse, codependent behaviors, sexual addiction, and other damaging habits.
Change is different for each person. Embracing chastity, for many individuals with unwanted same-sex attraction, is change that has come about through much healing and is a miracle given by God.
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